Current mood: contemplative
So last week our simple faith community wanted to reach out to someone in need. We went to the home of Wayne a man whose wife had just died 7 weeks ago. Wayne and Victoria had tried to get pregnant for 5 years. They finally became pregnant and their daughter was born after an emergency C-section. Very shortly after the birth there were complications and Victoria passed away. Our group went to help Wayne clean his house and do some yard work. All things he had not been able to get to in the last 7 weeks. I did not know this man or his wife, the first time I met him was the day we went to his house. Prior to this day, I had heard of this story and everytime I thought about it I became emotional. It was the most tragic thing to me. I don’t know if it stirred so much in me because I recently gave birth to my first child or what, but I was so overcome with sadness over this situation.
A couple things struck me the day we went to the house. All throughout our time there I was able to keep it “together” but when I got home and I was in the shower (which seems the times when everything is quiet and I can think) I began to weep and weep.
Life is so short.
Life is so short.
The Christmas decorations that Victoria put up were all over, the thought of taking them down was too much for him to bear. His bed was made and covered in stuff and definitely had the appearance that it had not been slept in, since he last slept there with his wife. Pictures of her were everywhere. But she was also everywhere. Her touch, her decorations, her style. I was most struck when I went to clean the bathroom, her toothbrush lay by the sink, right where she had left it. Her bag of toiletries that she packed for the hospital lay there untouched. All her girly lotions and pretty things, just as she had left them. It struck me how final death is. I mean I know that there is eternal life in heaven, but life as we know it is over in an instant. We leave everything behind. She was here and then just like that- she is not here. the emptyness that Wayne and his family must feel was intense.
The baby’s nursery was perfectly prepared and Wayne spoke of how excited they were to get it ready and of all the things that Victoria wanted and how she was so good at the pregnancy, so happy to be pregnant that she followed all the doctors orders to the T. She was so prepared and so detailed and so excited and expectant. She had waited for this her whole life.
That night as I rocked my daughter to sleep I was so grateful that I was there to watch her sleep. I was overcome with emotion over Victoria’s loss. She wanted this baby so badly and she did not get to watch her daughter sleep or rock her or see her smile or experience the joys that I get to experience with my daughter. I was struck by the tragedy of this. The irony is that Victoria does not feel the sadness that I feel over her loss. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. ButIknow what she’s missing and that makes me unbelievably sad. I know that heaven is a much better place than here. But I can’t understand why she had to miss this. I do not understand how God decides these things. As I wept and wept in the shower, I cried out to God “How do you decide?” There are so many mothers out there who do not want their children, who abuse them or give them up. And here was a woman who wanted her child so badly and loved this child and would’ve loved her to pieces and parented her so well. But she didn’t get the chance. How does God decide? Now an amazing man, a good man, has to go through life without his love, and must father his daughter alone. The baby girl, doesn’t yet know it, but she will always long for her mother. Although, as I looked at the little baby I did wonder if she felt it, if she knew there was something missing, if she wondered where the voice was that she heard in the womb, if she was searching for her mother and felt an ache when she realized mother was not there. It is one of the many mysteries of God. I don’t understand. How does He choose?