So lately death has been on my mind.
This year has been a hell of a year. At the very beginning of the year our community helped out someone who had lost their wife during the birth of their first child. That hit me hard even though I did not know her since I just went through the birth of my first child months before. (see my old blog “how does he decide”). Then after that Nate’s father had a stroke and we thought he might die, ( never finished writing that blog). Then a dear professor I had in college died of cancer, she was very young and left behind teenage children. Then my sister in law’s mother dies unexpectedly. Then a former student of mine was stabbed to death (see “flowers for Stacey”). Several older people from my father’s church have died this year. And now, my dear grandpa is facing his own death.
The doctors have not given a time frame as to how long he will live but the way things are looking now, it won’t be too long. He was told he was terminal a couple weeks ago. We all thought he knew and understood. Then today when my mema was discussing things with him, he says “You mean I’m going to die?” apparently since he was out of it at the hospital he didn’t understand? Also he does have a tumor in his brain and that could be affecting his memory. But either way, in his mind he was facing death and hearing about it for the first time. He started crying and said he did not want to die there in that nursing home. I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to someone who knew they were going to die soon. What must be going through his mind?
I can’t imagine. We always talk about “if you had 24 hours to live what would you do?” But REALLY what if you knew you were really facing death? What would you do? How would you feel? I mean I can’t imagine knowing that. I know that I will go to heaven. I know my grandfather will go to heaven. But- that doesn’t mean the whole idea of dying isn’t a little scary? I mean, it would be sad to know you wouldn’t get to see your kids anymore, or your spouse, or see your great grandchildren grow up. Life will go on without you….I would miss it. Knowing I was going to miss it would make me unspeakably sad.
It’s hard to wrap your head around it really. I know this might be depressing to think about…sorry to write about it… it just has been on my mind. I can’t imagine, how you would feel….. and i think the thing that would bother me most is “missing out’ on experiencing more life with my loved ones. When I was little I had a hard time going to bed at night because i was afraid I was going to miss something exciting. I guess that is where this thought comes from. Of course there are many other scary elements of death and then there is the joy and the peace of seeing the face of God and being in heaven. But I still wonder and worry about what might be going through my grandpa’s mind…..